Saturday, April 4, 2009

Living a lie...

Things haven’t hit rock bottom yet but the drudgery is beginning to get unbearable and I am slipping into depression again. I am living a lie. I lie to a whole lot of people every single day from morning till night and I lie to myself. I have become a wimp, a cry baby, a coward, a pretender, a slave to circumstance, a sedentary vegetable and who is to be blamed for this? Who else?

I wake up every morning wishing I were dead instead, often hammering a nail into my head seems more withstand able then getting out of bed. I have allowed myself to be tossed about like a ball from foot to foot, I am like the stray who is loved today, hated tomorrow and loved again the day thereafter. I may work here but these don’t seem to be my people. Nobody trusts me and nobody has let me decide what’s best for me, everybody has his own way of trying to ‘fix’ me, set me right. But what is it exactly that needs fixing? Is it the problematic germ at all? And I haven’t protested either, I have allowed my mind to be raped, to be fucked; I have flowed with the flow, followed the herd and never opened my mouth once. I am tortured inside and I am mad as I know, my hands aren’t clean either.

I am sure there are a lot of things in me that could use fixing and I may be proving difficult, I may be one in a thousand, difficulty personified but who hasn’t benefited from a little time, the right kind of guidance and a little luck?
I know my own self well and I am losing this battle I’ve waged against myself.

Nobody’s opinion matters as I am all alone.

It’s always easier to wade against the current when you are at a safe distance from the waterfall but once you are in it and off the cliff, there’s no way out.