Cliche on its way.....'Listen to others but do what your heart says!!'
...or else you'll end up with a sitting duck of a conscience like mine as I listen to what others have to say way too much and have no regard to what I think is right cause, weird enough, what others say always comes out right! I have lost confidence in my own judgement.
My conscience is like a Taliban outpost stupidly placed underneath the open sky, alfresco, inviting some explosive-attention..."Bomb me bit***s...show me yer motherload!!"
I think its more than my conscience, its my brain....
...there you go, indecision again...I need a break!

The dark blog?

Its obvious that this is shaping up to be a pretty dark blog but be informed I never intended it to be so in the first place.

In contrast to 'God's got a twisted sense of humour' and 'Well...fiddlededee' that somewhat reflect my state of mind a few years back, I find this to be remarkably glum and for good reasons. I was going through some of the the posts last night and I thought maybe renaming this blog would do justice to it, giving it a sadder, more sober name would befit it's mood and content but just then a thought struck me; the arbit thoughts that run nineeteen to the dozen through my head arent really always sad. Though I agree I am pretty low these days, anger and frustration is not all that I feel; I feel love, I feel hopeful, I feel thankful for all the good things I have, I am thankful for who I am and I feel like a Martini pretty much all the time!

It would be interesting watching this blog's mood change when the good times roll in . I only hope it happens soon.

The silver spoon in my mouth...

Folks from the previous generation get a mean kick out of tom-toming their struggles. Some cycled for miles to get to school, some travelled by crowded buses, some carried buckets of water back home from a hand pump somewhere far away, some gave private lessons to finance their further education and some studied underneath a streetlamp.

I respect all of the above. Point taken!

But I do not agree that since we have had it better, we are scum.

I cannot explain how much it ticks me off every single day to be made subject to that routine harangue by everybody, at home, at office, in busses, in the courts, at the markets; to be told that I have been born with a silver spoon in my mouth and to be told that our generation doesnt value what we have, to be pointed a finger at and told that we 'Elite college' folks dont know shit and that we lack strength of character as we do not know what 'real struggle' is.

I only wish they had a taste of what we are put through sometimes , more often than never because of a few members of their own generation! Maybe if they'd quit being so over-proud of their humble origins and wake up, they would see that we, kids, are faced with concerns graver than they could have ever dreamt of during their times.

So typically Kolkata!

Hello blog!

It’s been a helluva long time, I missed you.

To me you have a rather anthromoprhic existence therefore I feel safe unloading the contents of my blood-pumping appendage into you, with you I have the distinguished advantage of not having to worry about your whining or complaining.

Although I am largely happy that you are always silent, I sometimes wish you could speak.

I haven’t visited you in a while and neither have I fed you with new stuff. I am at fault and I have perfectly good reasons. You see there’s hardly a point scooping your spoon inside an empty bowl for the simple reason that, well, it is empty. Another similar analogy to drive home the point would be, an empty cone is nothing without the ice-cream in it.

Well blog, I am that empty bowl right now, the empty cone. I am spent and I am highly de-motivated, profuse thanks to recent events in my personal and work life, I’ve never been lower.

But be informed that I shall be back soon.

Why is the traffic so woefully low? Haven’t I dressed you up well enough?

Love

Master.

Living a lie...

Things haven’t hit rock bottom yet but the drudgery is beginning to get unbearable and I am slipping into depression again. I am living a lie. I lie to a whole lot of people every single day from morning till night and I lie to myself. I have become a wimp, a cry baby, a coward, a pretender, a slave to circumstance, a sedentary vegetable and who is to be blamed for this? Who else?

I wake up every morning wishing I were dead instead, often hammering a nail into my head seems more withstand able then getting out of bed. I have allowed myself to be tossed about like a ball from foot to foot, I am like the stray who is loved today, hated tomorrow and loved again the day thereafter. I may work here but these don’t seem to be my people. Nobody trusts me and nobody has let me decide what’s best for me, everybody has his own way of trying to ‘fix’ me, set me right. But what is it exactly that needs fixing? Is it the problematic germ at all? And I haven’t protested either, I have allowed my mind to be raped, to be fucked; I have flowed with the flow, followed the herd and never opened my mouth once. I am tortured inside and I am mad as I know, my hands aren’t clean either.

I am sure there are a lot of things in me that could use fixing and I may be proving difficult, I may be one in a thousand, difficulty personified but who hasn’t benefited from a little time, the right kind of guidance and a little luck?
I know my own self well and I am losing this battle I’ve waged against myself.

Nobody’s opinion matters as I am all alone.

It’s always easier to wade against the current when you are at a safe distance from the waterfall but once you are in it and off the cliff, there’s no way out.

As my skills on the instrument ebb everyday something insidious, sinister, like a cancer chews on me from within. I can never give it the sort of time, dedication it demands. Standing at the brink of something great I fear to leap in. Knowing fully well what needs to be done to give me that extra edge over others I falter repeatedly. And I do not speak only about my instrument when I say the above.
I cannot put my finger on the source of this strange lack of motivation, this lethargy. Maybe there are bigger things at play here, things that have metamorphasized me from a happy guy into a reclusive octogenarian.
I really need to sort things out, to talk to someone, someone who'd have answers.
Its amusing how someone who spent most of his days listening to other's problems for hours, now has noone to talk to about his own issues.
Anybody out there who'd lend me an ear? anybody with answers? anybody at all?

A woman's instincts are never to be underestimated...
One stupid move and you risk getting into a lot of trouble, I am learning the hard way..
Whom do I trust?